Friday funnies!

Stinky_Hooker

Stinky_Hooker

God
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
 
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
 
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
 
An elderly man and a woman are sitting in the garden at the rest home where they reside. The old man says, "You know what I miss the most from my youth? Sex." The old woman says, "you're way too old to be having sex." He says, "yeah, but it would be nice to at least have someone hold my nortons once in a while." She says, "I can do that for ya." And she does so for a while and they agree to meet there several times a week for some norton holding. One day, the old man doesn't show up so she goes looking for him. She found him in another part of the garden with another woman holding his nortons. She says, "You son of a bit@h. What does she have that I don't?" The old man replies, "Parkinsons Disease." ;D
 
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A wealthy man and his wife are being served dinner by their personal chef when he turns to her and says if you would learn how to cook we would save a bundle, she looks him in the eye and says And if you would learn how to screw we could fire the chaueffer too
 
Lady walks into a hardware store and says she needs a cabinet hinge...while the clerk is up on a ladder gettig the hinge, she's browsing around, looking at things...from atop the ladder the clerk says, ''wanna screw for this hinge?''

"No, but I'll blow you for the lawnmower.''
 
Now I understand why farmers want a mule in the pasture with the other livestock!!


This may be a first...


A couple from Montana were out riding on the range, he with his rifle and she (fortunately) with her camera. Their dogs always followed them, but on this occasion a Mountain Lion decided that he wanted to stalk the dogs (you'll see the dogs in the background watching). Very, very bad decision...


The hunter got off the mule with his rifle and decided to shoot in the air to scare away the lion, but before he could get off a shot the lion charged in and decided he wanted a piece of those dogs. With that, the mule took off and decided he wanted a piece of that lion. That's when all hell broke loose... for the lion.



As the lion approached the dogs the mule snatched him up by the tail and started whirling him around. Banging its head on the ground on every pass. Then he dropped it, stomped on it and held it to the ground by the throat. The mule then got down on his knees and bit the thing all over a couple of dozen times to make sure it was dead, than whipped it into the air again, walked back over to the couple (that were stunned in silence) and stood there ready to continue his ride... as if nothing had just happened.


Fortunately even though the hunter didn't get off a shot, his wife got off these 4...


Meanmule001.jpg


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Meanmule003.jpg


Meanmule004.jpg
 
Home after a stint in the Army, the ex-soldier was tellin' his friend, ''They sent me to jump-school; I told them I wasn't gonna jump outta any airplane...after all the schooling we flew up and everybody else jumped and I told the jump-master I wasn't gonna jump. He grabbed his crotch and said he was gonna stick it straight up my rear-end if I didn't jump!'' Buddy says, "Didja jump?"

"Just a little at first!''
 
A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married.
She put a want ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must
not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still
be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."

On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat
a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. She asked
sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you,
are you? Just look at you----you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.

The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
 
THE  ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q:   WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A:   It's  Braille for suck here.

Q:  WHY ARE  HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A:   Because when they come,  they're wet and wild.  But then they go, they take your house  your car and your boat with them.

Q:  WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN  THE MORNING?
A:   Because they don't have any balls to  scratch
 
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