Mac_Attack
God
I have a couple of emails I'd like to post here. i don't want to include any of the exsisting emails in the post how do I do this? Billy Mac ;D
E mail
- Thread starter Mac_Attack
- Start date
reelapeelin
God
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 On FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a Worst Job Experience Contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sis,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver >through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to
yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job" Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAYUM :
...Instead of MJ, I gonna have to call him M.M. .... Mr. Majic ;D ...
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sis,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.
It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver >through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to
yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job" Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAYUM :
...Instead of MJ, I gonna have to call him M.M. .... Mr. Majic ;D ...
reelapeelin
God
> DON'T CHEAT AND LOOK AT THE BOTTOM
> FOR THE ANSWERS!!!
>
> History Exam...
>
> Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam.
> If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap.
>
> This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life. Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to 20.
>
> NUMBER 1-20, Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.
> Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line, send to friends AND HAVE FUN!!!!
>
>
> 1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
> a. On the floor shift knob
> b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
> c. Next to the horn
>
> 2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it.
> For what was it used?
> a. Capture lightning bugs
> b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
> c. Large salt shaker
>
> 3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
> a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
> b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
> c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
>
> 4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
> a. Blackjack
> b. Gin
> c. Craps!
>
> 5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II
> a. Suntan
> b. Leg painting
> c. Wearing slacks
>
> 6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
> a. Studebaker
> b. Nash Metro
> c. Tucker
>
> 7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
> a. Strips of dried peanut butter
> b. Chocolate licorice bars
> c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
>
> 8. How was Butch wax used?
> a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
> b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
> c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
>
> 9. Before in-line skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
> a With clamps, tightened by a skate key
> b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
> c. Long pieces of twine
>
> 10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
> a. Consider all the facts
> b. Ask Mom
> c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
>
> 11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's-50's?
>
> a. Smallpox
> b. AIDS
> c. Polio
>
> 12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
> a. SUV
> b. Taxi
> c. Streetcar
>
> 13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
> a. Old Blue
> b. Paint
> c. Macaroni
>
> 14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
> a. Part of the game of hide and seek
> b What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
> c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
>
> 15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
> a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
> b. Princess Sacajawea
> c. Princess Moonshadow
>
> 16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
> a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
> b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
> c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure
>
> 17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
> a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
> b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
> c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos
>
> 18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
> a. Meatballs
> b. Dames
> c. Ammunition
>
> 19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
> a. The Ink Spots
> b. The Supremes
> c. The Esquires
>
> 20. Who left his heart in San Francisco ?
> a. Tony Bennett
> b. Xavier Cugat
> c. George Gershwin
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> ANSWERS
>
> 1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe , took till the late '60's to catch on.
>
> 2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
>
> 3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
>
> 4. a) Blackjack Gum.
>
> 5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
>
> 6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
>
> 7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
>
> 8 a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
>
> 9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
>
> 10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
>
> 11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gather- ing places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
>
> 12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
>
> 13. c) Macaroni.
>
> 14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
>
> 15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
>
> 16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
>
> 17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
>
> 18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
>
> 19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
>
> 20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today..
>
>
> SCORING
>
> 17 - 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share your wisdom!
>
> 12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting there.
>
> 0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.
>
> Send this to your friends with your score in the subject line!
>
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________
DAYUM : ...where's that Preamble to the Constitution I been meanin' to post? ...
> FOR THE ANSWERS!!!
>
> History Exam...
>
> Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam.
> If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap.
>
> This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life. Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to 20.
>
> NUMBER 1-20, Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.
> Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line, send to friends AND HAVE FUN!!!!
>
>
> 1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
> a. On the floor shift knob
> b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
> c. Next to the horn
>
> 2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it.
> For what was it used?
> a. Capture lightning bugs
> b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
> c. Large salt shaker
>
> 3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
> a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
> b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
> c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
>
> 4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
> a. Blackjack
> b. Gin
> c. Craps!
>
> 5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II
> a. Suntan
> b. Leg painting
> c. Wearing slacks
>
> 6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
> a. Studebaker
> b. Nash Metro
> c. Tucker
>
> 7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
> a. Strips of dried peanut butter
> b. Chocolate licorice bars
> c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
>
> 8. How was Butch wax used?
> a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
> b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
> c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
>
> 9. Before in-line skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
> a With clamps, tightened by a skate key
> b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
> c. Long pieces of twine
>
> 10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
> a. Consider all the facts
> b. Ask Mom
> c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
>
> 11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's-50's?
>
> a. Smallpox
> b. AIDS
> c. Polio
>
> 12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
> a. SUV
> b. Taxi
> c. Streetcar
>
> 13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
> a. Old Blue
> b. Paint
> c. Macaroni
>
> 14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
> a. Part of the game of hide and seek
> b What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
> c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
>
> 15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
> a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
> b. Princess Sacajawea
> c. Princess Moonshadow
>
> 16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
> a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
> b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
> c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure
>
> 17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
> a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
> b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
> c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos
>
> 18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
> a. Meatballs
> b. Dames
> c. Ammunition
>
> 19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
> a. The Ink Spots
> b. The Supremes
> c. The Esquires
>
> 20. Who left his heart in San Francisco ?
> a. Tony Bennett
> b. Xavier Cugat
> c. George Gershwin
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> ANSWERS
>
> 1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe , took till the late '60's to catch on.
>
> 2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
>
> 3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
>
> 4. a) Blackjack Gum.
>
> 5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
>
> 6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
>
> 7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
>
> 8 a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
>
> 9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
>
> 10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
>
> 11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gather- ing places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
>
> 12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
>
> 13. c) Macaroni.
>
> 14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
>
> 15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
>
> 16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
>
> 17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
>
> 18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
>
> 19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
>
> 20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today..
>
>
> SCORING
>
> 17 - 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share your wisdom!
>
> 12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting there.
>
> 0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.
>
> Send this to your friends with your score in the subject line!
>
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________
DAYUM :
...where's that Preamble to the Constitution I been meanin' to post? ...
reelapeelin
God
Subject: A woman's reasoning
>
> A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed
> and
> said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your
> affairs
> in order."
>
> The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
> waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we
> women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't
> go
> well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to
> the
> club and have a martini."
>
> After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
> were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
> some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
> were
> celebrating.
>
> The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I
> have been diagnosed with AIDS."
>
> The friends gave the woman their condolences and they had a couple of
> more
> martinis. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
> whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer and you
> just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
>
> The woman said, "I am, but I don't want any of those bitches sleeping
> with
> your father after I'm gone."
Sheila M. Stewart
DAYUM...that MJ...he's a purdy phart smeller...I mean, smart feller ;D ;D ...
>
> A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed
> and
> said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your
> affairs
> in order."
>
> The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
> waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we
> women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't
> go
> well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to
> the
> club and have a martini."
>
> After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
> were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
> some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
> were
> celebrating.
>
> The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I
> have been diagnosed with AIDS."
>
> The friends gave the woman their condolences and they had a couple of
> more
> martinis. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
> whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer and you
> just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
>
> The woman said, "I am, but I don't want any of those bitches sleeping
> with
> your father after I'm gone."
Sheila M. Stewart
DAYUM...that MJ...he's a purdy phart smeller...I mean, smart feller ;D ;D ...
Mac_Attack
God
I guess I'm older than dirt! Billy Mac ;D
Reel, good ones!
Reel, good ones!
