Mac_Attack
God
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to
have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly
I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big
breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a
massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard
her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submi tted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The
patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete
confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and
while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this
morning?''It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young
woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.. It was
quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she
was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY---
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? ' She replied, 'No doctor,
but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly
I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big
breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a
massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard
her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submi tted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The
patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete
confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and
while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this
morning?''It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young
woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.. It was
quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she
was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY---
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? ' She replied, 'No doctor,
but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
